Afraid of the next step in life.

In the next 5 years, I would like to be able to buy a home and afford the mortgage. I would like a comfortable car and a nicely furnished home. I will probably have a child and work at the same time. However, I am afraid at this point in time that I am unable to even achieve such simple things in the near future. My career per se is going somewhere but what I do is not what I like. I don't often think that I will be doing the same in the next few years. But who am I to say about the future when I do not know what will come tomorrow.

I met a car accident a few days ago, although not as serious, it definitely put me in a shocked position for a few days. I am still in a daze about what happened, I must be processing slowly if I might say. I would not be able to afford a decent car with my salary. I say this because my parents have been supporting me all these times and providing me with a comfortable life where the needs are fulfilled. I couldn't ask for more and I shouldn't abuse my luck.

I will be moving to another country and have to start all over again in terms of getting a job and finding a place to call home. I am afraid I might not be able to afford a comfortable life with the means that I have and the skills I mastered. I am at a lost.

I have a wish

In the near future which I suppose in the next year, I am planning to go live in Thailand for 3-4 months to learn how to speak and write Thai and get a part time job there so just in case I get bored. I want to do something for myself. It might sound a lil stupid to learn a language which I might not even use after I leave the country. However, I don't think I will die happy if I don't do it! God save me and show me the way to achieve this. It is a small goal and attainable. Should I just quit my job now and go? Or do I wait and wait and wait and end up procrastinating?

ช่วย

The Shits

Have you ever....

i) Stared at the tissue paper after you have used it to wipe your crap?

ii) Tried so hard to shit you burst a blood vessel?

iii) Push so hard that you farted shit out instead?

iv) Sneezed and shit came out at the same time?

v) Counted the amount of shit dollops you made?

vi) Took a photo of your shit?

vii) Washed the shit outta your ass with your bare hands?

viii) Dug shit out of your arse just cause you couldn't shit?

ix) Shit flowing out of your arse like it was pee?

x) Picking shit out of your fingernails?

xi) Flushing your ass while you shit?

xii) Touched shit or somebody else's shit?

xiii) Had sex with shit involved?

xiv) Tasted shit?

Well the list goes on and will go on in future, but if you did any of the above, don't worry you will not turn into a shitcake =P It's all au naturale unless you've been digesting plastic and erasers.

Told so and thought so!

1. Bring my car to a temple to be blessed ''hoi kong'' to ward off evil spirits and to avoid accidents.

2. Use sticky-tape to tape my broken/chipped nails temporarily.

3. Use my hair to floss my teeth.

4. Not to eat chicken when suffering from chicken pox...(dude it has nothing to do with chickens/poultry)

5. Century eggs are dipped and soaked in horse poop for several months.

6. Residue in wine means the wine is of expensive price. (pffft!)

7. I like to act smart just cause I have many ideas and opinions. ( No one's suggesting dick!)

8. I am chubby, I have a big face, I have fat thighs, I have cellulite, I swear too much (how much is too much ?), I am fussy, I am picky, and then they say i'm hot! ( Thanks)

9. People will only love or hate me, there will be no in betweens of like and dislike. (How nice!)

10. I am the weird one.

11. People say I should make up with the people I have fallen out with...I say, why the fuck for? To drama and fall out again?

12. How many times have u stared at your shit after you have taken a dump. Just right before you flush?

Taking a step back

As emotionally affected as I am towards a 'not intended' personal constructive criticism, I decided to think of why this has happened. Happens to be that I am vocal, I speak my thoughts and I am opinionated. Many people don't accept such behaviours and take it wrongly as a direct dissing to another. However, to me, it is just my opinion and is not suppose to carry any weight. But then someone esteemed has enlightened me about my position. The esteemed says that I am of persuasive character and that my peers look up to me. It could be age or maybe their just plain stupid and boring. I decided to then shut up from that day onwards to see what was really happening. The main problem was that the other people in the 'community' loved to sing songs that weren't written by them but they sang it so well that the original songwriter and audience hadn't a clue to its originality.

I am talking about people who like to instigate and provoke others to give an opinion and then to sing it as gospel truth the other's opinion. Most of them were people whom I see almost everyday for the past year. They had many problems and dislikes with others and would probe others to 'be on their side' without seeming political. By lord, they are smart. But I am lucky to be awaken earlier of such people. I took a step back and I listened. I took a step back and I saw. I took a step back and I felt. I took a step back and I no longer am part of their circus. Instead of being my innocent and naive self. I instantly felt the instigators aura of unsettledness when I did just pushed the chit chatters away. The thought I wasn't in the right state of mind. Well they are right but just that I was actually in the right state of mind.

I will learn from my mistakes and am enjoying being in the position where I stand now. I just listen and not even nod. I try my best to show unbiasness as I don't know when the next round of name-using will happen to me again. My weakness is now known by me and it shall be fixed.

One of the worse things in life that I was afraid of.

Chicken POX!

From the days I learnt about chicken pox till this very day, I have been very afraid and cautious about not catching it. This day has ended when I found out my bf had it and there is no running away from it I was somewhat doomed. After a week of suffering from headaches and fever, I went to a doctor who obviously doesn't know that chicken pox existed and everyone has different symptoms but rather pushed that idea away and said that I am suffering from climatisation as I just came back from a cold country...WTF that was 1 week ago and I use to live there. Dick!

Woke up with one boil on the right side of my forehead and I thought bugger wtf is that and popped it burst...later did I know it was actually 2 and not 1. Right now it looks like a fucking crater and it hurts and its a flesh wound. I am fucked once again. Scars for life. There are a few bumps on my scalp which I am not allowed to scratch and neither can I see where i'm scratching. It gets itchy when u sleep for too long but there is not other way cause the meds just keeps knocking you out.

My face looks like shit and I have always been afraid of wtf it'll do to my already not so nice face. Now I can't let the world see this shit of a mess that chicken pox has done to me. Not forgetting my meds are meant for Herpes!!! but whatever. I never wanted this. I have been sooooo afraid of getting it that the minute I hear that someone has chicken pox, you wouldn't see me till months later. But its my bf...what can I do. Now I suffer.

Please get vaccinated like 10 times if you can. I should have gotten at least 5 jabs. fuck this shit!

The taxi awareness in Kuala Lumpur

Back in Kuala Lumpur as a local, hoping that I wouldn't be the first one to get ripped off at 9 pm right smack in the city, I finally managed to catch a cab to send me back 4 blocks away. (It's just stupid to walk if you have not been here) . First, the cabbie said RM10 if not no ride. Fine! I was in a rush to get to my car so that I can go home and rest. Traffic jams as usual and such and by the time I reached to my destination the meter was actually RM 12.50. So yeah I saved RM2.50 by prepaying that nut RM 10. The following conversation is what he told me about how the taxi haggling system works.

1) If the taxi man gives you a flat rate, TAKE IT!

2) Take it because you might end up paying more.

3) Take it because he said, if the customers refuse to take the offer (which is normally ridiculous but sometimes makes sense) he will drive them through traffic jams and make them arrive really late and the meter would be way higher.

4) Take it because the cabbie loves to hold grudges against passengers who refuse to take their offer because the cabbies always thinks they are right

5) It if it is peak time, just take it cause KL cabs only want to camp at Hotels hoping to get a customer that wants to go to the airport.

6) It the cabbie can admit something so evil and be proud of it, he will definitely do it and preach it to other cabbies.

7) They like to get stucked in traffic jams because being idle, the meter jumps faster.

8) You do not need to pity them because they make alot of money conning customers.

9) I was once driven in a blue cab (executive taxi) round and round KL because the stupid taxi man's GPS kept making him turn around and around and he kept fiddling with it to recount routes and thought I was stupid just cause I picked up a cab from the Hotel which was my firm's client.

10) Be nice and friendly to them so that they don't pick on you.

11) If you still insist not to pay inflated prices, u can try queuing up in taxi stands at shopping malls which would take forever for your turn.

The cabbie had the guts to give me his name card and said to call him whenever I needed a ride. His cab stinks and so does he.

Rather unhappy

As we learn through experiences, we have lesser tolerance towards things that we don't want to experience again. We pick things up quickly and we somehow know the traits. But yet we might not know how to react to the same situation because it's a different person. I think I have been cursed with limited happiness. No prolonged happiness but rather only allowed faint happy memories that would only feel so surreal. Life's brings more than a rollercoaster can take, as mine like many other have hair pin turns and 90 degree corners. I always remind myself to never visit the land of sadness by thinking of situations differently and to always open you heart and mind to learn new things. But sadly, it all ends up like SHIT! It's either I am f*&$%d or the other is. I am tired of all these swings and knots. How do you take a break from life?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hungreee

Enlightened about self-purpose and intent,

Gifted the knowledge of life versus personality,

Realisation that it is time to face the facts,

Taking action today for a better tomorrow.

Walking away is never easy,

How far can you walk to forgive and forget?

How long for can you walk till it is over?

You will never arrive because there is no destination.

Let go of it and we will move faster

Let it be and we will live happier,

Allow it to move along and we shall see new things,

Allow it to change and we shall see different.

Let this be the last time this baggage is carried,

It shall be let down and not carried further,

Let this be the last time emotions are placed,

Left by itself with no regrets.

Done it before, it can be done again,

For there is no excuse, there is always a first time,

Look forward and appreciate what you see and feel today,

For tomorrow, it might never happen again,

Be sincere and not half-hearted,

For the past is only a reminder of what used to be,

But today is the start of tomorrow,

As long as there is a today, there shall always be a tomorrow,

If you keep thinking of yesterday, today and tomorrow will never come.

Yesterday is a teaching today, if we fail to learn,

We fail to live and we fail to move on,

Only so much of self pity can be blamed,

The rest is self inflicted longing of emotional pain.

People who wait are just trying their luck, people who take action are those who want it.

New song

Without you - Empire of the Sun

No

No shapes at all

Nothing real or artificial

No energy or heat

No troughs there are no peaks

No hangover from last night

No shame in first light

No time there'll be no change

No colours to rearrange

And I

I get that feeling

When we're apart

I get the teaching that I can't be without you

Without you babe

Without you

No future there is no past

No slow there is no fast

No grace with which to admire

No face there is no desire

No symmetry or peace

No sirens all police

No cameras and no phones

No photographs and no tone

And I

I get that feeling

When we're apart

I get the teaching that I can't be without you

Without you babe

Without you

Come on

Hey now

Come on

Hey now

Come on

Take my heart in your hands

Come on

Hey now

Come on

Hey now

Come on

Take my heart in your hands

And I

I get that feeling

When we're apart

I get the teaching that I can't be without you

Without you babe

Without you

taken from some online website I forgot, boooo SCT! Bully me

To a freaking hot CNY!

Happy Chinese New Year of the Metal Tiger...Meow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snow how I miss you,

Snow how I want to be with you on a hot summers day,

Snow how I wish I could touch you,

Snow how I need your chill,

Snow how I miss your softness,

Snow how I miss the blizzard you bring,

Snow how I wish you were cooling me down,

Snow how much do I love you?

-T-

My life is like plate of desserts. Pastries, marshmallows, and strawberry fondues...too many sweet things on a plate. I shall not devour it but to slowly nibble and cherish its sweetness while it lasts.

digging thru the grave of unhappiness

Returning home, back to where I belong. To where I grew up and to where most of my sentimental belongings are kept. To look at another point of view would be to describe it as, a whole lot of junk and nonsense that are mostly not mine but in my space. Flipping through pages and reading what I have wrote years ago really strucked me quite a bit. How did I come out with so much things to write about just about 4 over years ago. and now, everything I write is not of that level or impact which I get from reading it 4 years later. Writing about the environment, the world, people, and how much I wanted things to change or remained unchanged. Writing about how my heart got broken several times and how I decided not to pursue that sadistic route and give up without being a sore loser.

Look here, I have nothing to type. I have been having troubles trying to express myself with words these days. I am just so afraid of saying the wrong thing, not that i might hurt someone, but I might expose myself too much and end up leaving nothing and losing everything all overrrrr again.

If I knew better, I wouldn't have bothered to clean up and go through things so thoroughly. Many things should not be read.