Solitude

All I ever wanted was to be with you, to be able to love you and in return to be loved by you and you wanting you to be with me. Hopes, wishes, and empty promises have surfaced and it is reality that none of this works. One person is hurt and the other has no remorse. Do I want you to feel bad? How bad should you feel in order to experience what I am going through? Maybe what I am going through might just be nothing to you or self-inflicted emotional distress. I am sorry for you do not feel the same. But why should I be sorry for you when you are not even sorry for doing this to me? It is amazing how long you can linger in my mind and eat up my life. As much as I try to move on, somehow your image keeps coming back. Look at the impact of you. I guess you were my world and I was just another being in your life. I have never felt so lost that I had to start all over again. I am on the losing end in the end of the day when you have nothing to lose or nothing to start all over again or even think about other than having more space and time for yourself. You have brought the meaning of love to a whole new level to me. A perspective that I would never ever believe in it ever again.

Wondering

I was wondering whether those sites that pay you to surf the internet or browse websites that sells shit or whatever they have to put online are the same people who set up websites to ask people to advertise. Like I have a marketing business and I invite you to advertise on my website for a cost and in return I tell you that I get like 100000 bla bla hits a day. Then on the other side of it, I have a website promising people 'money per click' sort of bullshit. Obviously to be able to ever get that 10 cent out of me you have to like click maybe a few thousand sites and that would take up to 3-4 hours a day. Whatever they call work-from-home at the comfort of your own butt-on-one-chair. So is it actually a scam?

Heartbroken and lonely

Never had I open up emotionally to someone. The one time I did, it just bit me in the ass to remind me of how much I should not share so much or not at all. It is the hardest relationship to get over. This is taking too long. Since there is no turning back, I don't see why I cant just walk out of this phase I am going through. If there was a second chance, I doubt I will ever allow myself into that ditch again. I am emotionally drained and tired. Sick of all this emotional play and do not wish to dwell into it for the next few months or years or however long it takes until I gain the strength and will to control it all over again. Emo bastards are people we don't want to go near. I've had enough.

Lust or Love?

It all began as a dream come true. I finally found the love of my life and I was willing to give love a second chance. I brought back the meaning of faith and fate into my life. To have hope and to be happy. To be really really happy and to smile from my heart. To cry tears of joy. Over something that never worked out to be. I loved so much and gave it my all to make things better. I tried willingly to give him the most comfortable life. I am tired but I still did what I wanted to. He is blessed that I was sent for this domestic aid. I was nothing more than a domestic aid in the end. I was nothing more than an infatuation of a person who had pure thoughts of perfectionism. A person who did not allow failures or changes to be part of life. He is a great man by himself. He can love me like nobody else, and he can resent me for every reason. I lost myself in this trap. I forgot myself. I started living for him. When things arent looking so good for me, it frustrates him because I am not good enough or seem unproductive. I don't speak out much because I don't like to argue and he speaks to me very rudely and it breaks my heart to hear him speak to me like that. So much for a person who once promised me almost the moon and the sun and not forgetting of a perfectly simple and peaceful life.

I guess people change and they constantly want to upgrade themselves and will always get more and more self confidence and so would their status and abilities rise. Who better to leave first than the one who has it all. I have learnt that people are bloody selfish and only eventually think of themselves. No matter how rational you think you are, you are at some points irrational. We never gave love a chance to grow , we never gave our feelings space to nurture. We never tried to live 2 lives together. Instead, we did it all wrong. What seemed so beautiful and promising has now turned out to be a devastating outcome for me. Maybe not for you. But I am the most hurt or the only one hurt. I might not have the strength to move on now. I don't know when, nobody knows.

I am broken hearted and you have just proven to me once again that, men are really all the same. No matter what kind of person I turn out to be. You failed me.

My love,

One day you will know,

How much I loved and still love you,

My heart breaks when you frown,

My heart shatters when you're unhappy,

I lost myself whilst trying to love you,

I forgot that I had a life too,

I gave you all and now I am alone,

Crying and heartbroken.

I know you don't feel the way I do,

But one day you will know I hope.

how much of this is true?

Never over-confident and with a strong sense of your own shortcomings, your tendency to be uncertain of yourself is a strong motivator to do the very best you can at all times. Others often recognise your capacities better than you do and you may find it hard to trust their judgment, even when you admire them greatly.

Sometimes negative self-talk and internal put-downs may add fuel to the fire. You may often be beset by feelings of inadequacy that run counter to your actual abilities.

Sadly, you're constantly and all-too-easily reminded of your flaws. And if circumstances fail to remind you, it's likely that you'll do it pretty well all by yourself!

You may be your most vocal and critical judge but the only thing that's really flawed is your opinion of yourself!

Take a look around… set aside the negative self-talk… what makes you so sure you're right anyway? You'll probably find that the external reality is very different and more positive than the view from inside your skin.

My assessment from AssessMe Assessment ! aahhaha

My dear...

Notes of a pessimist co-dependent lover.

My chest tightens when you don't look at me,

My heart stops beating when you don't kiss me anymore,

My blood boils when you don't give me attention,

My tears roll when you don't hug me anymore.

My soul bleeds when you stop loving me.

My life is empty when you don't talk to me,

My body is numb when you don't care about me,

My everything is nothing, when it is without you.

Nohohon Zoku sez so to u.

Needing some

IMHO

Looking through my friends facebook pictures. Everyone seems to be either Single or in a relationship with someone. Tagged name. Happy photos of couples hugging, kissing, enjoying each others company, smiling, laughing and embracing each other. Everyone looks happy, everyone is enjoying life and everyone seems to be care free as according to their photos. Married to, engaged to, or something something.

Does it mean anything to a girl if their other half placed their names as a special exclusive someone, announcing to the whole world?

I guess everyone has a different view based on their life and current relationship status. I for one was used to be against even letting anyone know that I am attached in a romantic relationship other than people who I can't avoid seeing or letting them know. I was just not up for the questioning by nosy friends or family members as I do not have a really clear track record of having long term relationships. It is annoying when they start probing into your life and asking you family really screwed up questions like , ''Wow your daughter seems to be hopping from men to another, how come?''. This is not nice people. Wait till this happens to you. I did not ask for this. So happen my life is just like that with so many fail relationships, but I never gave up and I was able to move on unlike some people who are still sulking.

So anyway, now, today, I sort of am in a relationship that I would say is steady and towards long term. Hope I do not jinx this. But somehow I feel funny whenever I want to upload a photo of both of us or even to tag him in my album. There is this sort of inferior complex that I am getting. Like I am not good enough to stand next to him. Coming from a person, retrenched twice in a year...thats is how much of a self-esteem/confidence I have left. Love has now became something else. He is my idol, I look up to him. He is intelligent, loving and caring but sometimes on the rough edges. I admire his self-esteem and his ultimate confidence. He has worked hard and is smart at that too.

I have this feeling that I do not deserve to be with him. Well sometimes he puts me in such a position to make me think like that. He doesn't know and I do not blame him for I did not speak up about it. All I ever wanted was something simple, but the simplest things in life is often the hardest to obtain. Happiness is easy to come by but hard to retain. For a person like me, its even harder when happiness to mean is a totally different theory all together. I gain happiness when people are happy or when they approve of me. I know this is sabotaging myself but trying to change the way I think would not make me a better person. I need to leave some pride and self-worth for myself. I cant help it but to keep giving.

Back to the topic, and so he said, '' I hope you don't mind if I don't do the whole ''In a relationship thing''. At that point in time I bloody didn't care cause neither did I want to do that. This is not a cry for that status but rather knowing that many people out there would do it voluntarily. Does it really mean anything?

On the other hand, if I was a guy, the only reason I would not swap status is because first I AM MALE, second, I HAVE CORP CLIeNts in my list, third, I HAVE EX GF's and I DON"T WANT THEM TO KNOW''' (keeping pussies in a glass jar) , fourthly, What's all the fuss, fifthly....................I cant be fucked dont bother me.

This is damn random but I was just thinking about it since all these online network spaces seem to be people's diary for the world to see...Don't pen if you don't want to be known.

My visit

Visiting Sydney after 23 yrs. Well I say visit, cause I went there with only one cause, which is to see my darling. I miss him so much although I still see him every weekend. I have to learn to let things go . Holding on too tight will only make my alone days suck. I learnt a lot of things about my other half although I live with him. We like aimless walks. We like just strolling around the parks, and pulling pranks on each other. I know he wants to pamper me, but its my character that doesn't allow my guard of ''masculinity'' down. Always thinking I have to be the man in everything, when I dont even have a dick. ahahha!!!

We had random conversations and came to a conclusion that I have an inferior complex towards his ex-gfs...well, its just that I have never been treated like I was the only one before. So this is really foreign to me to be full of self esteem and confidence that I kick ass and they suck ass! Heh Heh!

We both love to drink and like to eat Tapas. He thinks i'm a glutton, but he cant stop feeding me. Wonder who's fault it is ahhaa. He even bought a twin pack toothbrush and gave me one, even when I brought my own. It means something to me although its just a 3 dollar toothbrush.

He insisted on buying me sunglasses. Something that I wanted to buy for the whole year since I lost my old ones. Never got around to buying them. He has bought me what I wanted for this year. I dont know how to thank him enough for it. He is going to think I am gay.

Well I miss him already, and I am home, going to sleep on his bed and smell his smelly pillow. I love him but I don't think he does yet. Muax baby!

Lonely in a crowd

Lalaland

We look around at people around us, we see happiness, sadness, grief, pain, suffering, joy and bla bla. We sit and ponder when our turn will come. Will we every be able to find the one, or is there even such a thing as ''anyone'' for me? Fail relationships teach us to filter, but how many fails does it take to make a win. haha. It is mathematically impossible to guess this. The human emotion is the strongest and yet can be the weakest. A perfectly healthy person could die of severe depression and a bed ridden person could have ended up walking the next day because of their endless positivity to go on living.

People around are in greatly secure relationships with plans to tie the knot. Age is not a factor but definitely a matter. Good futures ahead with a perfect lifestyle. Compatible partners and great jobs. How come I have none? Is it just not the time yet? Is it because I have just began living? Are people really so happy? Is what I think perfection is , is something unattainable by me but is by others? Am I not fated to have that life? Is happiness short-lived for me? Am I too negative? Am I just an ass or am I just wasting my time?

When will I ever feel that feeling?

Doomed or what

I am starting to think that I don't deserve it

That I will never find and be showered with

Never will get someone who will treat me

Treat me will all respect, love and affection.

Someone who can just give me

That tiny bit of assurance that I am loved

Why do I always get treated like a convenience?

A passer by who is just there

An excess baggage when not needed

How am I not to feel like shit?

You reminded me of hope and love

I have no love but I still have some hope.

WickeD~

5 DAys in Hotham with a Fat sack carefully moulded for novelty purposes....

Chicken & Chinese Sausage Egg Noodles

Too hungry I ate before I could take more pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step 1

Marinate meat with

2 tbsp of chinese oyster sauce

1tbsp of light soy sauce

1 tbsp of seasoning

1 tsp of salt

1 tsp sugar

cracked pepper

Step 2

1 bunch of green vegetables...I think this is choy sum, cut into 4 inches, wash and drain water,

Step 3

Chop onions

Step 4

Get a pack of egg noodles, I prefer dry ones than frozen ones...Easier to cook. Take out like 4 bunches for 2 big eaters...

Boil water on stove till boiling point (duh) then chuck it in and regularly use a chopstick or watever to loosen the noodles apart. After 5 minutes of boiling you should be able to take it all out and rinse it under cold water to stop it from over cooking and becoming too soggy and squishy!

Step 5

Use 2 chinese sausages or any type of meat of your choice like spam or sausage or watever salmon, anchovies watever, tuna, beef slices.... Chop it up as shown. In slices that are small enough to be bite size.

Step 6

Heat up oil in a pan, throw in your meats and fry them till golden brown, chuck in you noodles, sitr in dark caramel sauce, and put in your veges at the end you are done....WAlah!!!!!!!! lazy man cooking

Is this the end?

I sit and cry, feeling the pain and angst,

Feelings so mixed up I feel like a clown,

Expressions seems to be showing differently

My heart has slowed down its rate this time,

Crying without tears, but there is redness in my eyes,

I lost all my energy and I only want you to hold me up,

To hug me and to kiss me.

To tell me everything will be alright and it will be,

To tell me you love me and want things to be right,

To tell me you want to make us as one,

I am so tired from this pain,

I rather die then be left by you,

I have never given my heart and not be able to take it back,

This time I gave and you lost it,

It is my job to find it and put it back in you, you tell me,

But, it seems a task so hard and yet I would not give up,

Everything is so fragile I am losing myself,

Everything I do or say might end everything,

Why must it be so hard for you to move on,

To believe in what we have and to accept that you have to move on,

To move on and understand that some things are not worth in memory,

Things that are long gone and of no concern,

Giving yourself the courage to open up your heart and receive my love,

Giving yourself the chance to treat me better,

Giving me that chance to be loved and respected like I do to you.

For god's sake just fucking kill me.

No laughter

Often we think what our love ones has done for us to contribute to our lives as a means of priority measurement. We always prioritise who we need most or rather who can supply us with the necessary help and support. We forget others around us, others that have tried so hard and never gave up. Trying their best to make our lives as comfortable and convenient. We measure this with what we want and who we need. For example, you go to school and have fun with your friends, you see them almost everyday and you laugh, cry, and have fun together. When you go home you think of how much fun you had then and wished it never end. Whereas mummy or daddy at home has to clean, wash, cook, work, earn money to put food on the table and provide a roof over our heads and so on. We dont really think about that because we are not directly partcipating in those processes but we only feast on the produce of their hard work. By right, those are the people who deserve all your care, attention and respect. Not the ones who only want to have fun with you.

My Cheat Rogan Josh with Patak's

HAhahaa!!!! Boyfriend calls this Cheat sauce =P

1 bottle of Patak's Rogan Josh sauce

700gm of Lamb chunks

1 tomato

1/4 of a cauliflower

1/4 of a broccoli

1 carrot

1 small onion

Step 1

Cut your lamb into chunks and just marinate with Coca Cola (ppl say it tenderises it a bit)

Step 2

Chop ur vegetables and tomatoes

Step 3

Chop some onions and put in heated oil pan

Step 4

Put the lamb chunks into the pan and let it cook

Step 5

Pour in the sauce and vegetables and let it simmer for 15 minutes

Error Three

The first time I made scones...the recipe read '' if the dough doesnt stand...put some flour'' I thought it was plain flour....So I floured it with plain flour...It came out like biscuits/rocks which I couldnt even cut thru!!!!

My scones !!!

Looks a bit hard...but its not...and I know it looks wrong but who cares, its edible and yummy hahah

I made some scones following some recipe I found online.

300ml of Lemonade

300ml of Cream

4.5 cups of Self Raising flour

1 tsp of salt

1 tbsp of Sugar

Step 1

Stir in the lemonade and cream.

Step 2

Put in the flour, salt and sugar into the mix.

Step 3

Make it into a dough. Not an overly dry or wet one. If it is too soggy, put more ''self raising flour''

Step 4

Preheat oven at 200 degrees for 15 mins....Cut your scones with a cookie cutter of any size you want. I used 2.5-3 inch in diameter cookie cutter.

Step 5

Spray some oil on the pan before putting your scones. Heat at 180 degrees for 15 minutes.

Surprise treats

Yummy Cupcakes

OMG!!!!!!!!!! Who squashed it and ate one? Where is my little rat?

I feel like eating....this

I forgot what it is called...Any idea?

My going to be rotten Easter Egg

I finally got to eat my precious Easter Egg Chocolate....and a bar of Crunchie and also yeah a bar of cadbury chocolate. Im going to die Fat!

My paus

Random....I bought 7 paus...1 custart, 2 roast pork, 2 lotus, 2 red bean. This is what is left.

My version of Mee Hun Kueh

This is what I cook when I have no idea of what to eat. Very simple, and probably not everyone would like it. But I love it.

Step 1.

Get like maybe 15 shiitake mushrooms and soak them in warm water until it is soft.

Cut of the stub, and use a scissors to cut the mushroom into slices.

Step 2

I know it looks gross.

This is 500gms of Mince Pork . I have chucked in some sauce to marinate it.

2 tbsp of oyster sauce

3 tbsp of caramel sauce/ thick soy sauce

2 tbsp of soy sauce

1 tsp of salt

pepper all you want.

Just mix it up till every single clump of pork has sauce on it. Let it marinate for an hour.

Step 3.

Make the dough. Just Plain Flour and Water. MAke it into a dough. As big or as tiny as you want.

Sorry I dont measure stuff. Cover it with a wet tea towel or wet kitchen towel and cover it so that it doesnt harden and become a rock.

Let it sit for like 45 mins or so.

Step 4.

The cooking starts.

Add some oil to a pan, heat it up and chuck your garlic in it. This is prolly 2 cloves of chopped up bits of garlic.

Step 5

Throw in the meat and the mushrooms together. Cook until it becomes something like that. Taste it and add salt to ur tongue's delight.

Step 6

While you are waiting for your mince to cook, start by throwing some washed dried anchovies in a pot. This is to make the soup. Add some salt and oil let it fry until it turns golden brown and becomes almost crispy. When it is done. Add water. Maybe 5 cups of water and let it boil.

Step 7

This is how my little flour pieces look like. Just use your fingers and start pulling out bits and flattening them . Looks like clouds. Make any shape of size but not too thick as it would take too long to cook before other pieces start becoming gross.

When it floats, its cooked! You dont need to drink the soup. Just eat it dry! Konlo style.

Step 8

Get some vegetables. I think this is kailan. You can use choy sum, bok choy, any sort you like. There is some special vege but I cant remember what its called or where you can it from. Just cook it in hot water. Lazy man way.

End Result!!!!!

Error Two

I was craving for some Nescafe coffee...Didnt feel like putting condensed milk in it, so I decided hmm alright i'll just add some sugar and maybe some soy milk since I have some left in the fridge....

This came out totally wrong as you can see in the picture. It curdled...but who cares I thought prolly the milk just couldnt mix with coffee. So I finished it although my bf said not to and I was crazy to have even thought of tasting it.

I woke up at 3 am and almost shat my life out...So pls dont do this...

Error one

Never Ever Ever put your cookies in a paper bag and heat it up in the microwave.....

It turn out like soft cookie dough....grrrrrr

What to do when you have too much free time (Part 1)

In times of economy instabilities, many people have lost their jobs including me. Nothing special I tell myself, nothing to be sad about I remind myself and nothing to be afraid of as its not the end of life. Just a little bump and slip in terms of paychecks and knocking off some unnecessary pleasure spending. As for me and a million other people and fresh graduates, facing the problem of getting that one chance to secure an interview seems even further than before. Maybe I am just not good enough, but I cant be that BAD! Never give up in looking for a job, but how not to when you wake up and login into your e-mail accounts and get endless rejections. I wonder who keeps stealing the jobs I apply to. Damn it! Studying is seeming like a complete waste of time.

I came out with an idea to keep my time filled up and busy. But of course it only applies to people who would not die of hunger if they don't get a casual job. Trying to find a job has made anxiety my middle name. Even my casual employer has told me they we'rent any shifts for me...Sigh!

So for today, I would probably be typing to myself but what the heck. I believe someday someone would reply to my blog. Lol!

What to do Part 1

If you never had the time to go to the gym, procrastinated against playing a type of sport, or even trying to move ur ass out of the chair, this is the time for you to do those things. Why?

Firstly, you get to go to the gym when there isnt a line to get to the cross trainer or even to use the damn warm up area. Less people, less chances of catching the swine flu as for now. Less smell. Well, it also comes with lesser eye candy!

Secondly, travelling around to places of exercise activities without the crazy after work or before work traffic jams. You can even spend more hours trying to burn those excess fat off your ass all this while that you have been accumulating while sitting on a office chair or stuck in traffic jams.

Thirdly, time to get personal trainers, or tennis coaches, golf gurus or whatever u name it! Most charge lesser on weekdays than on weekends. Take this time to pick up a sport that you always wanted to, or even a sport your partner plays religiously but you never had the time to learn and challenge them. It is a good way to see each others personalities and egoistic traits oozing out due to challenges.

Fourthly, there are many types of exercises that do not require you to leave your home or room. Yoga, pilates, simple stretching, running on the spot, doing air bicycles, house chores, and a zillion other things. Cheapest way is to watch it on youtube and follow what they do. You can buy a DVD or VCD. If you have more to spend, you can get a Nintendo Ds/DSi and you can learn almost all types of aerobics, ballet, pilates, yoga and so on. Similarly you can buy a Nintendo Wii with the addition of the WiiFit, the nunchucks, the step up bench and heaps of other 3rd party add ons. Life can be fun when you are sweating like a broken pipe.

Fifthly, Have more sex, Its a type of exercise which leaves you with blushing cheeks. It trains your lungs to inhale and exhale in a fast - slow -fast - slow pace which can sometimes depending on your speed and friction.... You can achieve more satisfying orgasms when your head is out of the office, and away from the books. You have more energy and the boredom of doing nothing can be channelled towards waiting for your other half to come home and pin them down. (boohoo).

Sixth, Blast your favourite music and dance like a crazy person. No one will know what kind of moves you have achieved, and you can work that core of yours with crazy moves. Swaying your hips but not busting something. This would be my favourite. Just jumping around the house while walking to get something and stringing a few tunes aloud....No one knows....So there is nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need special suits for this or gym gears or any tools.

So for now, I have started Tennis, Swimming, hitting the gym as much as I can. If I cant get a job soon, I might as well work on myself first whilst still applying and applying and applying =P

The 10000th time

You probably came across a personal blog a thousand times, seen a million photographs and read a trillion stories. Well, this is another one !!! Ha Ha.